


shouldering the weight of guilt

by icantbelieveitsfanfic



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s04e03 The Wicked Day, Gen, Magic Revealed, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:21:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24521512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icantbelieveitsfanfic/pseuds/icantbelieveitsfanfic
Summary: Merlin's had a hard day. He's gained eighty years, danced around Arthur while balancing two magical identities, and used healing magic on the king who burns magic users.Arthur's had a worse one. In his desperation to hold onto his father, he turned to magic, and now Uther's dead, and it's his fault. It'shis fault.(It's not, and Merlin knows it.)
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 69





	shouldering the weight of guilt

"I am so sorry."

Arthur flicked his eyes over to the door, where Merlin stood with his arms dangling helplessly by his sides.

"I, I… I sh–-" Merlin shook his head, as though deciding something, and met Arthur's gaze. "I wish that there was something I could have done."

For a moment, Arthur warred with his own mind for control of his body. He felt as though he'd solidified in his chair. But this was Merlin, and Merlin deserved some response. He swallowed, and managed to move his head slightly; enough, at least, that he could pretend he looked natural. "Merlin, no one but me is to blame for this."

"You are not to blame." Merlin's response came without hesitation. "This is not your fault."

"I'm entirely to blame." One breath, than another, shallow, his nose and throat thick. How could he have done this? To seek out a sorcerer, the instant his father could not speak his wisdom? To cause his father's end to be at a sorcerer's hand, after everything Uther had done? "My father spent twenty years fighting magic. To think I knew better--"

Merlin interrupted, his voice low. "You were only doing what you thought was right. And I advised you to do it, and you could not have known that it would--that--"

"My _arrogance_ ," Arthur said, the words ashes on his tongue, "cost my father his life."

"No. That's not--you're--"

"He said I would make him proud," Arthur responded, low. "He said I would make him proud and be a great king. Look at me. Look how long it took me to stuff _everything up--_ "

With sharp movements, Merlin stepped up to Arthur's chair. "Arthur, you are _not_ to blame--"

"Exactly _how_ am I not to blame, Merlin? I trusted a sorcerer, I _sought him out_ , I agreed to everything he demanded. And then I let him into the castle and gave him a clear shot at my father. And that's after I was too drunk to protect him from the assassin in the first place." Dragging a hand down his face, he tried to steady his breathing. "How can I face Camelot? Gwen? My uncle? I can barely face _you_ , Merlin. I have betrayed the trust of my father, of everyone. I failed him worse than I ever feared."

Silence hung in the still room for a moment, then two.

Merlin dropped to his knees before Arthur, head bowed. "No. I killed him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Arthur. This is all my fault. There was an amulet--I thought I was helping, but I killed him. The spell went wrong and I killed him. Arthur, I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_."

"Don't be ridiculous, Merlin. You might have an idiotic habit of confessing to spare others, which is kind of you, I suppose, but you're a terrible liar. Let me bear my own guilt. I--well, I owe my father that, at least, since I could give him nothing else."

"It wasn't you, Arthur. I'm a sorcerer. I'm Dragoon. I was trying to help, I promise I was, I wanted to show you that magic can be _good_ , it's good, really--"

Arthur's breath shivered and stuck. What rot. Shut up, _Mer_ lin, enough with the blathering.

"--and you said you would use magic to heal Uther and I had to help, you're my _friend_ , and I truly thought I could heal him--I knew it could backfire but you were desperate and--"

The word broke through Arthur's haze. _Desperate_.

"--you can't blame yourself, I swear it's not your fault, I should have done more, or--not _more_ , but differently, I should have seen--"

He threw up a hand to still the babbling of his manservant, his _friend. Desperate_. A desperate man, in his weakness, would grasp at anything. He had indeed been desperate.

Merlin had known that.

Merlin, who had the same eyes as Dragoon, the same _boots_. Merlin, who was full of terrible excuses, and who had disappeared for the entirety of Arthur's visit to Dragoon's hut, only to reappear once Dragoon had left.

Merlin, who had extracted promises from him, promises of exchanges and laws and futures. Merlin, who had made him ride out to the Forest of Glaestig when Uther was _dying_ , had made excuses and sidestepped the truth and lied to his face. Merlin, who had treated the situation as an opportunity for insults and jokes.

Merlin had used magic on his father, and his father was dead.

Merlin, who still knelt before him, uncharacteristically silent at his command. Staring up at Arthur from under his awkward haircut, eyes blue and sad and--guilty.

There was a solemn knock on the door. Arthur pushed to his feet and past Merlin.

Agravaine, his hands folded, stood in the hall. "Your father is lying in state--"

"Take this man to the dungeons." With his throat so hot and closed up, Arthur had to force the words, and they came out less angry and more… weak. Broken.

"Arthur?"

"He stands accused of sorcery and of murdering the king." Then Arthur strode away from Agravaine and the guards and _Merlin_ to stand vigil over his father's body, and he did not look back.

**Author's Note:**

> [to be continued if I can wrestle my procrastinating butt into gear! and if I can wrestle up a semblance of a plot! this was not beta-read in any way! the title is The Worst! this is my first fic, and in an unfamiliar fandom!]
> 
> [Honestly the more I think about it the more I question why I thought this was a good idea. But thank you for reading it regardless.]


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